About The Answer

There's too many question in my head. There's still the thing that blur in my eyes. Often I found the action doesn't match with this feeling. There's too many thing that misunderstand. There's too many thing that isn't clear

I want to find the answer. But i don't know where to find it. I’m curious about it, but I think I'm not really wanted to know. ‘Cause there's still a doubt, there's still worry. I'm afraid if the answer isn't like what i expect. I'm afraid if the answer will make me disappointed.

If only that question is like mathematics, although there’s more than one method, but there’s only one answer that right. But my question is too complicated. And I don’t know where’s the way that I should walk is. There’s too many reason why this all happened. And maybe there’s still other reason that I didn’t know.

If only I can see what they did behind that wall. If only I can hear what they say in their heart. If only I can read their mind. But I’m just human with all my lack and my limit.

It’s all about the time. I just want to believe in Heaven, that there's a time when i found the answer. The time when this heart can accept that all. The time when there's no doubt anymore. All I can do now is try my best and pray for the best.

It’s All Just Pretend

I pretend to be friendly, so that they’ll like me. I can make a lot of friends. I can work together with them. But no one who becomes my true friend. I can’t be myself when I’m with them. I have to pretend that I like something that I dislike actually, just for getting along with them, so that they’ll accept me. So, every time I will do or say something, I have to rethink first. I just can’t let them know my true face. I just worry if they found it, they’ll ignore me. Cause there’s too much bad things in me.

I pretend to smile when I meet some friends, with my bright smile, so that they will smile back at me. Make me feel that they know my appearance, make me feel that they don’t ignore me. It’s mean that they still regard me as their friend. But sometime I didn’t like to chat with them. I didn’t like to make some joke with them.

I pretend enjoy have some fun with them. I try to make them comfort with my appearance. So they will not feel disturbed. I try to act not being bored, so they’d like to chat with me. To make a lot of friends, so I’ll not fell all alone.

That’s all just pretending. I can’t really do that all with my whole heart. I can’t really want do that all. Why I can just show who I am. Why I can just let them accept me the way I am. In this world, why there’s always something to be pretending just for something else reason. Why they don’t put their heart into doing it. Why every people can’t always to be honest. But as long as it can make them happy, I’d like to do that. I hope everything that I’m pretending, someday I can do it with my whole heart. ‘Cause I know we can’t live by ourselves. ‘Cause my life is nothing without them.